The N Factor

For those of you who didn't see it, this editorial entitled "The N Factor" appeared in The Greenville Daily News on May 15, 2007.
It was edited quite a bit, and in fact in the paper was entitled "Presidency Hinges on 'The N Factor'. So for those of you who didn't see it, and those of you who did, here is the unedited editorial in it's uncensored entirety.

THE N Factor
-Lyle Fales

It's a couple of years away and already stories regarding the next Presidential election are creeping into the occasional news segment. John McCain is being touted as the likely Republican candidate, and of course the bigger story is who the Democrats might select to run. My personal pick is John Edwards, who might make a race with John McCain interesting indeed. Of course there's always the outside chance - I think it's outside anyway - that Hillary Rodham Clinton will toss her hat into the ring and along her husband, the thermonuclear weapon of campaigning, and/or that the religious right will crush the hopes of the moderate McCain.

So there are many who may run, but who is most likely to win? I have long held that the candidate, in order to win, must have a name that sounds wholesome and as American as apple pie. I knew for example that Dukakis never had a chance. His name sounded too... well...foreign. It was practically like they were talking about turning the reins over the the commies for crying out loud. Nothing against Mr. Dukakis, a fine fellow I'm sure... if you're a comrade. I know, I know, Dukakis is actually a Greek. Don't get me started.

And Obama whatever from Illinois? Not a threat. I read about him all the time and I still can't remember his name. Other than it sounds vaguely like a terrorist.

Thus come my theory. I call it "The N Factor". This simply means that in our history we find names - and hence candidates - most appealing if their last names end with the letter N. Yep. That's it. That's my theory. I think if the candidate's name ends with the letter N they have a much greater chance of being elected.

I know you are mentally scrambling right now, so let me save you much time, research, and energy. N Factor Presidents to date are: Washington, Jefferson, Madison, Jackson, Van Buren, Harrison, Buchanan, Lincoln, Johnson, Harrison, Wilson, Truman, Johnson, Nixon, Reagan, and Clinton. And if you didn't know it, we once had a President for just on day and his name was Atchinson. Further, when one pronounces the name Cleveland (as in Grover) it sounds like it ends in N too. And he was President twice.

So when I hear that Hillary Clinton may run against John McCain, it gets my heart racing and I break into a cold sweat. How can this be? Who would win? Would this somehow upset the natural order of things? Contribute to global warming? Would there simply be no clear winner (shades of 2000!)? Since buttered bread always lands buttered side down, and a cat always lands on it's feet, a McCain vs. Clinton race would be like tying buttered bread on the back of a cat and tossing it out the window. It would just get near the ground and spin like opposing magnets.

So let's all hope Edwards runs for the Democrats and the Republicans put up Bill Frist. No N Factor. It's more fair that way.

And if the Democrats want to make it even more sporting, they'd let the Republicans have Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.